An Interview with our No.1

Interview with George Skywalker (Wibble FC Goalkeeper)

HP: How much money do you owe?
GS: I'm sorry, what kind of question is that?
HP: An ordinary one with a question mark at the end. How much money do you owe?
GS: None, actually!
HP: Really?
GS: Sure!
HP: What about a mortgage?
GS: Nope, paid off in full!
HP: So, how can you be bankrupt if you don't owe any money?
GS: Who said I was bankrupt?
HP: Nobody did. I just assumed it to be the case.
GS: Why would you think that?
HP: I heard you had a tax bill recently for quite a considerable sum.
GS: That's right but I paid it.
HP: How? I heard that you had never saved anything in your life!
GS: Ha ha ha!

© Copyright 2004 Harry Parry All rights reserved. No part of this nonsense may be reproduced for profit without written permission from the author.

Interviewing the Staff

This Week, Wibble's star striker, Willie Colgate.

(WC, Willie Colgate. HP, Harry Parry)

HP: Have you ever run for the bus?
WC: Yes.
HP: Did you catch it?
WC: Yes.
HP: Was it moving?
WC: Yes, but not very fast.

HP: Have you ever hit a barn door with a banjo?
WC: No, of course not.
HP: (laughing) Have you ever tried?
WC: No.
HP: If you did try, do you think you could?
WC: From how far away?
HP: A yard.
WC: Of course then.
HP: Are you sure?

HP: Do you remember your favourite goal?
WC: Yes, sure it was....
HP: Do you remember your worst miss?
WC: Well, I try not to....
HP: I'll narrow it down for you. Worst miss this season?
WC: ahh,
HP: Last match?

HP: If you had a £million to spend on a strike partner, who would you buy?
WC: Steve MaClean from Sheffield Wednesday. He's lightning slow and occasionally lethal in front of goal.
HP: Who?

HP: What do you think of the AFC Wibble groundshare rumours?
WC: I think it makes good business sense but we would have to share our ground because theirs is rubbish.

HP: Do you get on with the chairman?
WC: Absolutely, he's a wonderful man. He's full of...
HP: shite?
WC: ideas and enthusiasm. He tries really hard to...
HP: Bankrupt the club?
WC: keep everybody motivated. He's very...
HP: Annoying?
WC: strong minded and he has a very firm idea of...
HP: How to make a quick buck?
WC: how to take the club forward.

© Copyright 2004 Harry Parry All rights reserved. No part of this nonsense may be reproduced for profit without written permission from the author.

Press Release due.

Wibble FC Chairman, Mr Alan Van Allen sits in his office reading a baby names book. There is a knock at the door, in enters the manager.

CHAIRMAN: Eh up nar then thee, lad.
MANAGER: Wot? Ah dinna ken what ya seed.
CHAIRMAN: Speak English lad, you're abroad now. When in Rome, and all that.
MANAGER: Thankye for the advice, Sir. What was it that ye wanted to speak to ma'sel aboot?
CHAIRMAN: Popularity!
MANAGER: I see.
CHAIRMAN: It's important in this game to be popular with the fans.
MANAGER: Aye, I would expect that performances on the pitch would see to that.

The Chairman coughs.
MANAGER: Sir.
CHAIRMAN: Can I ask you a question?
MANAGER: Certainly, sir.
CHAIRMAN: What would you think might be more important than your popularity?
The manager pauses for a while, thinking.

MANAGER: Well, perfomances. Erm, results, erm...

The phone rings and the Chairman answers.
CHAIRMAN: Mr Mayor? What-the-fooks thar want thee?

The manager takes out a notepad and starts writing.
CHAIRMAN: Nodding, It's planning permission that I need. Aye, for a Chip Shop at Wibble FC.
CHAIRMAN: Yes, I know that AFC Wibble are planning a similar project. Are you aware that their proposed site is up the road from my house? It'll send my fookin wippets barmy!
CHAIRMAN: What dya mean, their planning permission has been granted?
Chairman looks angry, then slams the phone down.

MANAGER: I've taken some wee norts, sir.
The Chairman holds a finger to the air, signalling a pause. He picks the phone back up and dials.
CHAIRMAN: Nar then, Jim. Get me some fooking AFC Wibble shares bought.
He slams the phone back down.

MANAGER: With a finger in the air. I had a wee ponder, sir. And I think that what you are getting at is that our style of play needs to be more
entertaining.
CHAIRMAN: What was the question, lad?
MANAGER: You were talking about my popularity.
CHAIRMAN: Was I fook-as-like! I said, what was more important than your popularity?
MANAGER: Aye, I see.
CHAIRMAN: And the answer is, MY POPULARITY! Get working on it, lad.
The manager turns to leave but is called back.

CHAIRMAN: What dya reckon to Jean, as a name?

The manager looks at the baby names book in the chairmans hand.
MANAGER: Boy or girl?
CHAIRMAN: What's it matter? It's for a fookin wippet!

© Copyright 2004 Harry Parry All rights reserved. No part of this nonsense may be reproduced for profit without written permission from the author.