Today, August 24th 2007 was dress down day at Wibble FC. Mr Van Allen relaxed in a Hawaii print shirt and Bermuda shorts, secretary Iris Sole arrived with curlers in her hair and Mr Cough wore a Wibble FC away shirt emblazoned with his name and chosen squad number, "4, Cough".
A relaxing morning was had by all until Italian midfielder, Enzo Bastardo stormed out of training after getting grass stains on his Armani jeans.
Friday, August 24, 2007
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Throwing money at it
Wibble FC's promotion push has been dealt a severe blow this week when new manager, Bertie Cough was hit in the eye by a pound coin. Contrary to recent reports stating that Mr Cough had been attacked after Wibble's recent pre-season victory at Shitehouse WMC, rumours are surfacing that suggest Mr Cough was injured during an argument with Wibble Chairman, Alan Van Allen.
When asked for a statement, Mr Van Allen said, "It was a joke, OK!"
Further news today came from a Wibble press release announcing a massive new sponsorship deal for the new season. The new home shirts will bear the name of the club's record breaking sponsor,
local builder's merchant, Arnold Arse.
© Copyright 2007 Harry Parry All rights reserved. No part of this nonsense may be reproduced for profit without written permission from the author.
When asked for a statement, Mr Van Allen said, "It was a joke, OK!"
Further news today came from a Wibble press release announcing a massive new sponsorship deal for the new season. The new home shirts will bear the name of the club's record breaking sponsor,
local builder's merchant, Arnold Arse.
© Copyright 2007 Harry Parry All rights reserved. No part of this nonsense may be reproduced for profit without written permission from the author.
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
Promotion Glory
After last season's promotion, Wibble FC are planning to dip into the transfer market in order to consolidate their position in the new division.
Talks are ongoing with almost everybody, yet as pre-season training commences, few official statements have been made.
Club Chairman, Mr Alan Van Allen is quoted as saying, "Press Conferences cost money. When we sign someone, his name will be written on a blackboard at the training ground." Although any further reasoning behind the decision was not forthcoming, Mr Van Allen did add, "If we can spell them foreign names."
First team manager Mr Jock Almighty is expected to deliver an interview to the local press later this week, in which he is expected to preview the forthcoming season. Mr Van Allen commented, "I should clarify, Jock will be previewing next season, not the forth one."
Talks are ongoing with almost everybody, yet as pre-season training commences, few official statements have been made.
Club Chairman, Mr Alan Van Allen is quoted as saying, "Press Conferences cost money. When we sign someone, his name will be written on a blackboard at the training ground." Although any further reasoning behind the decision was not forthcoming, Mr Van Allen did add, "If we can spell them foreign names."
First team manager Mr Jock Almighty is expected to deliver an interview to the local press later this week, in which he is expected to preview the forthcoming season. Mr Van Allen commented, "I should clarify, Jock will be previewing next season, not the forth one."
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
An Interview with our No.1
Interview with George Skywalker (Wibble FC Goalkeeper)
HP: How much money do you owe?
GS: I'm sorry, what kind of question is that?
HP: An ordinary one with a question mark at the end. How much money do you owe?
GS: None, actually!
HP: Really?
GS: Sure!
HP: What about a mortgage?
GS: Nope, paid off in full!
HP: So, how can you be bankrupt if you don't owe any money?
GS: Who said I was bankrupt?
HP: Nobody did. I just assumed it to be the case.
GS: Why would you think that?
HP: I heard you had a tax bill recently for quite a considerable sum.
GS: That's right but I paid it.
HP: How? I heard that you had never saved anything in your life!
GS: Ha ha ha!
© Copyright 2004 Harry Parry All rights reserved. No part of this nonsense may be reproduced for profit without written permission from the author.
HP: How much money do you owe?
GS: I'm sorry, what kind of question is that?
HP: An ordinary one with a question mark at the end. How much money do you owe?
GS: None, actually!
HP: Really?
GS: Sure!
HP: What about a mortgage?
GS: Nope, paid off in full!
HP: So, how can you be bankrupt if you don't owe any money?
GS: Who said I was bankrupt?
HP: Nobody did. I just assumed it to be the case.
GS: Why would you think that?
HP: I heard you had a tax bill recently for quite a considerable sum.
GS: That's right but I paid it.
HP: How? I heard that you had never saved anything in your life!
GS: Ha ha ha!
© Copyright 2004 Harry Parry All rights reserved. No part of this nonsense may be reproduced for profit without written permission from the author.
Monday, November 08, 2004
Interviewing the Staff
This Week, Wibble's star striker, Willie Colgate.
(WC, Willie Colgate. HP, Harry Parry)
HP: Have you ever run for the bus?
WC: Yes.
HP: Did you catch it?
WC: Yes.
HP: Was it moving?
WC: Yes, but not very fast.
HP: Have you ever hit a barn door with a banjo?
WC: No, of course not.
HP: (laughing) Have you ever tried?
WC: No.
HP: If you did try, do you think you could?
WC: From how far away?
HP: A yard.
WC: Of course then.
HP: Are you sure?
HP: Do you remember your favourite goal?
WC: Yes, sure it was....
HP: Do you remember your worst miss?
WC: Well, I try not to....
HP: I'll narrow it down for you. Worst miss this season?
WC: ahh,
HP: Last match?
HP: If you had a £million to spend on a strike partner, who would you buy?
WC: Steve MaClean from Sheffield Wednesday. He's lightning slow and occasionally lethal in front of goal.
HP: Who?
HP: What do you think of the AFC Wibble groundshare rumours?
WC: I think it makes good business sense but we would have to share our ground because theirs is rubbish.
HP: Do you get on with the chairman?
WC: Absolutely, he's a wonderful man. He's full of...
HP: shite?
WC: ideas and enthusiasm. He tries really hard to...
HP: Bankrupt the club?
WC: keep everybody motivated. He's very...
HP: Annoying?
WC: strong minded and he has a very firm idea of...
HP: How to make a quick buck?
WC: how to take the club forward.
© Copyright 2004 Harry Parry All rights reserved. No part of this nonsense may be reproduced for profit without written permission from the author.
(WC, Willie Colgate. HP, Harry Parry)
HP: Have you ever run for the bus?
WC: Yes.
HP: Did you catch it?
WC: Yes.
HP: Was it moving?
WC: Yes, but not very fast.
HP: Have you ever hit a barn door with a banjo?
WC: No, of course not.
HP: (laughing) Have you ever tried?
WC: No.
HP: If you did try, do you think you could?
WC: From how far away?
HP: A yard.
WC: Of course then.
HP: Are you sure?
HP: Do you remember your favourite goal?
WC: Yes, sure it was....
HP: Do you remember your worst miss?
WC: Well, I try not to....
HP: I'll narrow it down for you. Worst miss this season?
WC: ahh,
HP: Last match?
HP: If you had a £million to spend on a strike partner, who would you buy?
WC: Steve MaClean from Sheffield Wednesday. He's lightning slow and occasionally lethal in front of goal.
HP: Who?
HP: What do you think of the AFC Wibble groundshare rumours?
WC: I think it makes good business sense but we would have to share our ground because theirs is rubbish.
HP: Do you get on with the chairman?
WC: Absolutely, he's a wonderful man. He's full of...
HP: shite?
WC: ideas and enthusiasm. He tries really hard to...
HP: Bankrupt the club?
WC: keep everybody motivated. He's very...
HP: Annoying?
WC: strong minded and he has a very firm idea of...
HP: How to make a quick buck?
WC: how to take the club forward.
© Copyright 2004 Harry Parry All rights reserved. No part of this nonsense may be reproduced for profit without written permission from the author.
Friday, November 05, 2004
Press Release due.
Wibble FC Chairman, Mr Alan Van Allen sits in his office reading a baby names book. There is a knock at the door, in enters the manager.
CHAIRMAN: Eh up nar then thee, lad.
MANAGER: Wot? Ah dinna ken what ya seed.
CHAIRMAN: Speak English lad, you're abroad now. When in Rome, and all that.
MANAGER: Thankye for the advice, Sir. What was it that ye wanted to speak to ma'sel aboot?
CHAIRMAN: Popularity!
MANAGER: I see.
CHAIRMAN: It's important in this game to be popular with the fans.
MANAGER: Aye, I would expect that performances on the pitch would see to that.
The Chairman coughs.
MANAGER: Sir.
CHAIRMAN: Can I ask you a question?
MANAGER: Certainly, sir.
CHAIRMAN: What would you think might be more important than your popularity?
The manager pauses for a while, thinking.
MANAGER: Well, perfomances. Erm, results, erm...
The phone rings and the Chairman answers.
CHAIRMAN: Mr Mayor? What-the-fooks thar want thee?
The manager takes out a notepad and starts writing.
CHAIRMAN: Nodding, It's planning permission that I need. Aye, for a Chip Shop at Wibble FC.
CHAIRMAN: Yes, I know that AFC Wibble are planning a similar project. Are you aware that their proposed site is up the road from my house? It'll send my fookin wippets barmy!
CHAIRMAN: What dya mean, their planning permission has been granted?
Chairman looks angry, then slams the phone down.
MANAGER: I've taken some wee norts, sir.
The Chairman holds a finger to the air, signalling a pause. He picks the phone back up and dials.
CHAIRMAN: Nar then, Jim. Get me some fooking AFC Wibble shares bought.
He slams the phone back down.
MANAGER: With a finger in the air. I had a wee ponder, sir. And I think that what you are getting at is that our style of play needs to be more
entertaining.
CHAIRMAN: What was the question, lad?
MANAGER: You were talking about my popularity.
CHAIRMAN: Was I fook-as-like! I said, what was more important than your popularity?
MANAGER: Aye, I see.
CHAIRMAN: And the answer is, MY POPULARITY! Get working on it, lad.
The manager turns to leave but is called back.
CHAIRMAN: What dya reckon to Jean, as a name?
The manager looks at the baby names book in the chairmans hand.
MANAGER: Boy or girl?
CHAIRMAN: What's it matter? It's for a fookin wippet!
© Copyright 2004 Harry Parry All rights reserved. No part of this nonsense may be reproduced for profit without written permission from the author.
CHAIRMAN: Eh up nar then thee, lad.
MANAGER: Wot? Ah dinna ken what ya seed.
CHAIRMAN: Speak English lad, you're abroad now. When in Rome, and all that.
MANAGER: Thankye for the advice, Sir. What was it that ye wanted to speak to ma'sel aboot?
CHAIRMAN: Popularity!
MANAGER: I see.
CHAIRMAN: It's important in this game to be popular with the fans.
MANAGER: Aye, I would expect that performances on the pitch would see to that.
The Chairman coughs.
MANAGER: Sir.
CHAIRMAN: Can I ask you a question?
MANAGER: Certainly, sir.
CHAIRMAN: What would you think might be more important than your popularity?
The manager pauses for a while, thinking.
MANAGER: Well, perfomances. Erm, results, erm...
The phone rings and the Chairman answers.
CHAIRMAN: Mr Mayor? What-the-fooks thar want thee?
The manager takes out a notepad and starts writing.
CHAIRMAN: Nodding, It's planning permission that I need. Aye, for a Chip Shop at Wibble FC.
CHAIRMAN: Yes, I know that AFC Wibble are planning a similar project. Are you aware that their proposed site is up the road from my house? It'll send my fookin wippets barmy!
CHAIRMAN: What dya mean, their planning permission has been granted?
Chairman looks angry, then slams the phone down.
MANAGER: I've taken some wee norts, sir.
The Chairman holds a finger to the air, signalling a pause. He picks the phone back up and dials.
CHAIRMAN: Nar then, Jim. Get me some fooking AFC Wibble shares bought.
He slams the phone back down.
MANAGER: With a finger in the air. I had a wee ponder, sir. And I think that what you are getting at is that our style of play needs to be more
entertaining.
CHAIRMAN: What was the question, lad?
MANAGER: You were talking about my popularity.
CHAIRMAN: Was I fook-as-like! I said, what was more important than your popularity?
MANAGER: Aye, I see.
CHAIRMAN: And the answer is, MY POPULARITY! Get working on it, lad.
The manager turns to leave but is called back.
CHAIRMAN: What dya reckon to Jean, as a name?
The manager looks at the baby names book in the chairmans hand.
MANAGER: Boy or girl?
CHAIRMAN: What's it matter? It's for a fookin wippet!
© Copyright 2004 Harry Parry All rights reserved. No part of this nonsense may be reproduced for profit without written permission from the author.
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
The New Investor
The phone rings in the Chairman's office.
Van Allen: Hello?
The Receptionist: Hello, Mr Van Allen. I have a caller on line three who wishes to speak with you regarding investing in the club.
Van Allen: Who is it?
The Receptionist: It's a Mr Bill Gates.
Van Allen: Ken Bates! Tell him to fook off!
DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to persons whether real or fictional is totally coincidental.© Copyright 2004 Harry Parry All rights reserved. No part of this nonsense may be reproduced for profit without written permission from the author.
Van Allen: Hello?
The Receptionist: Hello, Mr Van Allen. I have a caller on line three who wishes to speak with you regarding investing in the club.
Van Allen: Who is it?
The Receptionist: It's a Mr Bill Gates.
Van Allen: Ken Bates! Tell him to fook off!
DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to persons whether real or fictional is totally coincidental.© Copyright 2004 Harry Parry All rights reserved. No part of this nonsense may be reproduced for profit without written permission from the author.
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