Interview with George Skywalker (Wibble FC Goalkeeper)
HP: How much money do you owe?
GS: I'm sorry, what kind of question is that?
HP: An ordinary one with a question mark at the end. How much money do you owe?
GS: None, actually!
HP: Really?
GS: Sure!
HP: What about a mortgage?
GS: Nope, paid off in full!
HP: So, how can you be bankrupt if you don't owe any money?
GS: Who said I was bankrupt?
HP: Nobody did. I just assumed it to be the case.
GS: Why would you think that?
HP: I heard you had a tax bill recently for quite a considerable sum.
GS: That's right but I paid it.
HP: How? I heard that you had never saved anything in your life!
GS: Ha ha ha!
© Copyright 2004 Harry Parry All rights reserved. No part of this nonsense may be reproduced for profit without written permission from the author.
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
Monday, November 08, 2004
Interviewing the Staff
This Week, Wibble's star striker, Willie Colgate.
(WC, Willie Colgate. HP, Harry Parry)
HP: Have you ever run for the bus?
WC: Yes.
HP: Did you catch it?
WC: Yes.
HP: Was it moving?
WC: Yes, but not very fast.
HP: Have you ever hit a barn door with a banjo?
WC: No, of course not.
HP: (laughing) Have you ever tried?
WC: No.
HP: If you did try, do you think you could?
WC: From how far away?
HP: A yard.
WC: Of course then.
HP: Are you sure?
HP: Do you remember your favourite goal?
WC: Yes, sure it was....
HP: Do you remember your worst miss?
WC: Well, I try not to....
HP: I'll narrow it down for you. Worst miss this season?
WC: ahh,
HP: Last match?
HP: If you had a £million to spend on a strike partner, who would you buy?
WC: Steve MaClean from Sheffield Wednesday. He's lightning slow and occasionally lethal in front of goal.
HP: Who?
HP: What do you think of the AFC Wibble groundshare rumours?
WC: I think it makes good business sense but we would have to share our ground because theirs is rubbish.
HP: Do you get on with the chairman?
WC: Absolutely, he's a wonderful man. He's full of...
HP: shite?
WC: ideas and enthusiasm. He tries really hard to...
HP: Bankrupt the club?
WC: keep everybody motivated. He's very...
HP: Annoying?
WC: strong minded and he has a very firm idea of...
HP: How to make a quick buck?
WC: how to take the club forward.
© Copyright 2004 Harry Parry All rights reserved. No part of this nonsense may be reproduced for profit without written permission from the author.
(WC, Willie Colgate. HP, Harry Parry)
HP: Have you ever run for the bus?
WC: Yes.
HP: Did you catch it?
WC: Yes.
HP: Was it moving?
WC: Yes, but not very fast.
HP: Have you ever hit a barn door with a banjo?
WC: No, of course not.
HP: (laughing) Have you ever tried?
WC: No.
HP: If you did try, do you think you could?
WC: From how far away?
HP: A yard.
WC: Of course then.
HP: Are you sure?
HP: Do you remember your favourite goal?
WC: Yes, sure it was....
HP: Do you remember your worst miss?
WC: Well, I try not to....
HP: I'll narrow it down for you. Worst miss this season?
WC: ahh,
HP: Last match?
HP: If you had a £million to spend on a strike partner, who would you buy?
WC: Steve MaClean from Sheffield Wednesday. He's lightning slow and occasionally lethal in front of goal.
HP: Who?
HP: What do you think of the AFC Wibble groundshare rumours?
WC: I think it makes good business sense but we would have to share our ground because theirs is rubbish.
HP: Do you get on with the chairman?
WC: Absolutely, he's a wonderful man. He's full of...
HP: shite?
WC: ideas and enthusiasm. He tries really hard to...
HP: Bankrupt the club?
WC: keep everybody motivated. He's very...
HP: Annoying?
WC: strong minded and he has a very firm idea of...
HP: How to make a quick buck?
WC: how to take the club forward.
© Copyright 2004 Harry Parry All rights reserved. No part of this nonsense may be reproduced for profit without written permission from the author.
Friday, November 05, 2004
Press Release due.
Wibble FC Chairman, Mr Alan Van Allen sits in his office reading a baby names book. There is a knock at the door, in enters the manager.
CHAIRMAN: Eh up nar then thee, lad.
MANAGER: Wot? Ah dinna ken what ya seed.
CHAIRMAN: Speak English lad, you're abroad now. When in Rome, and all that.
MANAGER: Thankye for the advice, Sir. What was it that ye wanted to speak to ma'sel aboot?
CHAIRMAN: Popularity!
MANAGER: I see.
CHAIRMAN: It's important in this game to be popular with the fans.
MANAGER: Aye, I would expect that performances on the pitch would see to that.
The Chairman coughs.
MANAGER: Sir.
CHAIRMAN: Can I ask you a question?
MANAGER: Certainly, sir.
CHAIRMAN: What would you think might be more important than your popularity?
The manager pauses for a while, thinking.
MANAGER: Well, perfomances. Erm, results, erm...
The phone rings and the Chairman answers.
CHAIRMAN: Mr Mayor? What-the-fooks thar want thee?
The manager takes out a notepad and starts writing.
CHAIRMAN: Nodding, It's planning permission that I need. Aye, for a Chip Shop at Wibble FC.
CHAIRMAN: Yes, I know that AFC Wibble are planning a similar project. Are you aware that their proposed site is up the road from my house? It'll send my fookin wippets barmy!
CHAIRMAN: What dya mean, their planning permission has been granted?
Chairman looks angry, then slams the phone down.
MANAGER: I've taken some wee norts, sir.
The Chairman holds a finger to the air, signalling a pause. He picks the phone back up and dials.
CHAIRMAN: Nar then, Jim. Get me some fooking AFC Wibble shares bought.
He slams the phone back down.
MANAGER: With a finger in the air. I had a wee ponder, sir. And I think that what you are getting at is that our style of play needs to be more
entertaining.
CHAIRMAN: What was the question, lad?
MANAGER: You were talking about my popularity.
CHAIRMAN: Was I fook-as-like! I said, what was more important than your popularity?
MANAGER: Aye, I see.
CHAIRMAN: And the answer is, MY POPULARITY! Get working on it, lad.
The manager turns to leave but is called back.
CHAIRMAN: What dya reckon to Jean, as a name?
The manager looks at the baby names book in the chairmans hand.
MANAGER: Boy or girl?
CHAIRMAN: What's it matter? It's for a fookin wippet!
© Copyright 2004 Harry Parry All rights reserved. No part of this nonsense may be reproduced for profit without written permission from the author.
CHAIRMAN: Eh up nar then thee, lad.
MANAGER: Wot? Ah dinna ken what ya seed.
CHAIRMAN: Speak English lad, you're abroad now. When in Rome, and all that.
MANAGER: Thankye for the advice, Sir. What was it that ye wanted to speak to ma'sel aboot?
CHAIRMAN: Popularity!
MANAGER: I see.
CHAIRMAN: It's important in this game to be popular with the fans.
MANAGER: Aye, I would expect that performances on the pitch would see to that.
The Chairman coughs.
MANAGER: Sir.
CHAIRMAN: Can I ask you a question?
MANAGER: Certainly, sir.
CHAIRMAN: What would you think might be more important than your popularity?
The manager pauses for a while, thinking.
MANAGER: Well, perfomances. Erm, results, erm...
The phone rings and the Chairman answers.
CHAIRMAN: Mr Mayor? What-the-fooks thar want thee?
The manager takes out a notepad and starts writing.
CHAIRMAN: Nodding, It's planning permission that I need. Aye, for a Chip Shop at Wibble FC.
CHAIRMAN: Yes, I know that AFC Wibble are planning a similar project. Are you aware that their proposed site is up the road from my house? It'll send my fookin wippets barmy!
CHAIRMAN: What dya mean, their planning permission has been granted?
Chairman looks angry, then slams the phone down.
MANAGER: I've taken some wee norts, sir.
The Chairman holds a finger to the air, signalling a pause. He picks the phone back up and dials.
CHAIRMAN: Nar then, Jim. Get me some fooking AFC Wibble shares bought.
He slams the phone back down.
MANAGER: With a finger in the air. I had a wee ponder, sir. And I think that what you are getting at is that our style of play needs to be more
entertaining.
CHAIRMAN: What was the question, lad?
MANAGER: You were talking about my popularity.
CHAIRMAN: Was I fook-as-like! I said, what was more important than your popularity?
MANAGER: Aye, I see.
CHAIRMAN: And the answer is, MY POPULARITY! Get working on it, lad.
The manager turns to leave but is called back.
CHAIRMAN: What dya reckon to Jean, as a name?
The manager looks at the baby names book in the chairmans hand.
MANAGER: Boy or girl?
CHAIRMAN: What's it matter? It's for a fookin wippet!
© Copyright 2004 Harry Parry All rights reserved. No part of this nonsense may be reproduced for profit without written permission from the author.
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
The New Investor
The phone rings in the Chairman's office.
Van Allen: Hello?
The Receptionist: Hello, Mr Van Allen. I have a caller on line three who wishes to speak with you regarding investing in the club.
Van Allen: Who is it?
The Receptionist: It's a Mr Bill Gates.
Van Allen: Ken Bates! Tell him to fook off!
DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to persons whether real or fictional is totally coincidental.© Copyright 2004 Harry Parry All rights reserved. No part of this nonsense may be reproduced for profit without written permission from the author.
Van Allen: Hello?
The Receptionist: Hello, Mr Van Allen. I have a caller on line three who wishes to speak with you regarding investing in the club.
Van Allen: Who is it?
The Receptionist: It's a Mr Bill Gates.
Van Allen: Ken Bates! Tell him to fook off!
DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to persons whether real or fictional is totally coincidental.© Copyright 2004 Harry Parry All rights reserved. No part of this nonsense may be reproduced for profit without written permission from the author.
Thursday, September 30, 2004
The New Era Begins
With new manager, Jock Almighty at the helm, Wibble FC have entered a new era after Saturday's convincing 3.0 victory against Aberystwyth Ladies 2nd 11. The new manager was said to be delighted with the result, stating that, "It is always difficult playing against Women, they can be vicious, even on a good day. Especially when we played most of the game with our tails up." He also praised the teams commitment by saying, "We tried hard to get our balls in the right places. Once our tails were up, we concentrated on getting into their box." Tonight Wibble are at home to Chester Zoo Utd in the D-reg Transit Van Trophy.
Thursday, September 23, 2004
Disappointment.
Wibble FC chairman, Mr Alan Van Allen has expressed his great disappointment at missing out on the services of Paul Sturrock, who is joining Sheffield Wednesday today. When told the news about Mr Sturrocks unavailability, Mr Van Allen made only a short statement. "Bollocks!" was all he would say. However, other Wibble directors were available for comment. Mr Bert Pulley said, "We were so close to getting Mark Hughes, Bobby Robson,Graeme Souness and Mr Camacho as well. If only we had their phone numbers." Another director , Mr Fred Wulley added, "Our search continues and interviews are ongoing. The level of candidates is extremely high and we expect to make a top notch appointment." However, a supporters repressentative offered a counter statement when he stated, "We will hire a half-wit like we always do. The fans hope for a world beater but the club always appoint someone who would struggle to get a draw against a small village."
Interviews for the vacancy at Wibble are ongoing. It is believed that groundsman Alf Sidebottom is to meet with the chairman before the end of the week.
Interviews for the vacancy at Wibble are ongoing. It is believed that groundsman Alf Sidebottom is to meet with the chairman before the end of the week.
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
Bjorn Borin-Erection
The chairman calls in the next candidate. He peruses the CV before him and looks impressed.
THE CHAIRMAN: Good morning Bjorn. May I say what an impressive CV you have.
BJORN: Thank you.
THE CHAIRMAN: That's an unusual name that thars got lad. Thar from Barnsley or summut?
BJORN: Actually, I'm Scandinavian.
THE CHAIRMAN: Next!
THE CHAIRMAN: Good morning Bjorn. May I say what an impressive CV you have.
BJORN: Thank you.
THE CHAIRMAN: That's an unusual name that thars got lad. Thar from Barnsley or summut?
BJORN: Actually, I'm Scandinavian.
THE CHAIRMAN: Next!
Monday, September 20, 2004
Big Rob Harkington
Big Rob Harkington is shown into the Chairman's office.
THE CHAIRMAN: Nar then Rob, sit the sen darn luv.
BIG ROB: Where exactly Mr Chairman. There doesn't seem to be any chairs?
THE CHAIRMAN: There's a bean bag in the corner mate.
Big Rob tentatively lowers himself to the ground and looks up toward the chairman.
THE CHAIRMAN: Rate, I'm sorry to hear that you lost your job on the radio. Personally, I can't see what all the fuss was about.
BIG ROB: Well, I did feel dissappointed with myself and to be fair I felt
disgusted too.
THE CHAIRMAN: Aye, lad. Thar makes a rod for the own back sometimes mate.
BIG ROB: (looking puzzled) What do you mean exactly?
THE CHAIRMAN: Well, there's loads of them in football nowadays. Thar can't avoid'em thar noz.
BIG ROB: Them?
Big Rob looks around for the hidden camera.
BIG ROB: I'd should say at this point that my unfortunate incident on the
radio didn't in anyway reflect my opinions on black players generally.
THE CHAIRMAN: Of course not. Just the one was it?
BIG ROB: Not at all,
THE CHAIRMAN: Well what are you trying to say then Rob?
BIG ROB: I'm saying that it was very unfortunate and I hope I never make such a stupid mistake again. I have worked with many black players in my time and I would say that they have mostly been highly gifted and dedicated professionals.
THE CHAIRMAN: That's good Rob because sometimes you have to tolerate people regardless of their colour because they are cheap.
BIG ROB: Tolerate?
THE CHAIRMAN: You know, you don't have to talk directly, you can pass messages down the line.
BIG ROB: Like I said, I don't have a problem with black players.
THE CHAIRMAN: Anyway, (looks to his notes) I see that you have plenty of premiership experience. Have you ever won anything?
BIG ROB: Of course. I won the Half-Pint Cup while I was managing here at Wibble a few years ago.
THE CHAIRMAN: Oh, so you worked for Wibble before?
BIG ROB: Of course, It's on my CV.
THE CHAIRMAN: Did you have any foreigners playing for you?
BIG ROB: Yes I did, and fabulous players they were too.
THE CHAIRMAN: Did they stink of garlic?
BIG ROB: (Laughing) You're joking right?
THE CHAIRMAN: Absolutely,
BIG ROB: Of course, who could be so stupid?
THE CHAIRMAN: not!
THE CHAIRMAN: next!
DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to persons whether real or fictional is totally coincidental.
© Copyright 2004 Harry Parry All rights reserved. No part of this nonsense may be reproduced for profit without written permission from the author.
THE CHAIRMAN: Nar then Rob, sit the sen darn luv.
BIG ROB: Where exactly Mr Chairman. There doesn't seem to be any chairs?
THE CHAIRMAN: There's a bean bag in the corner mate.
Big Rob tentatively lowers himself to the ground and looks up toward the chairman.
THE CHAIRMAN: Rate, I'm sorry to hear that you lost your job on the radio. Personally, I can't see what all the fuss was about.
BIG ROB: Well, I did feel dissappointed with myself and to be fair I felt
disgusted too.
THE CHAIRMAN: Aye, lad. Thar makes a rod for the own back sometimes mate.
BIG ROB: (looking puzzled) What do you mean exactly?
THE CHAIRMAN: Well, there's loads of them in football nowadays. Thar can't avoid'em thar noz.
BIG ROB: Them?
Big Rob looks around for the hidden camera.
BIG ROB: I'd should say at this point that my unfortunate incident on the
radio didn't in anyway reflect my opinions on black players generally.
THE CHAIRMAN: Of course not. Just the one was it?
BIG ROB: Not at all,
THE CHAIRMAN: Well what are you trying to say then Rob?
BIG ROB: I'm saying that it was very unfortunate and I hope I never make such a stupid mistake again. I have worked with many black players in my time and I would say that they have mostly been highly gifted and dedicated professionals.
THE CHAIRMAN: That's good Rob because sometimes you have to tolerate people regardless of their colour because they are cheap.
BIG ROB: Tolerate?
THE CHAIRMAN: You know, you don't have to talk directly, you can pass messages down the line.
BIG ROB: Like I said, I don't have a problem with black players.
THE CHAIRMAN: Anyway, (looks to his notes) I see that you have plenty of premiership experience. Have you ever won anything?
BIG ROB: Of course. I won the Half-Pint Cup while I was managing here at Wibble a few years ago.
THE CHAIRMAN: Oh, so you worked for Wibble before?
BIG ROB: Of course, It's on my CV.
THE CHAIRMAN: Did you have any foreigners playing for you?
BIG ROB: Yes I did, and fabulous players they were too.
THE CHAIRMAN: Did they stink of garlic?
BIG ROB: (Laughing) You're joking right?
THE CHAIRMAN: Absolutely,
BIG ROB: Of course, who could be so stupid?
THE CHAIRMAN: not!
THE CHAIRMAN: next!
DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to persons whether real or fictional is totally coincidental.
© Copyright 2004 Harry Parry All rights reserved. No part of this nonsense may be reproduced for profit without written permission from the author.
The Interviews
Interviews for the vacant manager's position at Wibble FC are to be carried out this week. Full transcripts will be posted in due time. Applicants are believed to include: Big Rob Harkington, Sgt Bilkoson, Stanley Turbulent and Jock Almighty.
Wibble chairman, Mr Alan Van Allen has stated this week that, the successful candidate will be a firm favourite of the fans. He did however deny that the 93 year old steward, Alf Useless was a contender. He said, I'm not in a position to lose Alf as a steward. Some positions are harder to fill than others and having a good steward is extremely important to the club.
Wibble chairman, Mr Alan Van Allen has stated this week that, the successful candidate will be a firm favourite of the fans. He did however deny that the 93 year old steward, Alf Useless was a contender. He said, I'm not in a position to lose Alf as a steward. Some positions are harder to fill than others and having a good steward is extremely important to the club.
The Chairman's Programme Notes
Football is my great passion. There is nothing that I love more than listening to the commentary of Wibble's games on the radio while flying my wippets. The one man responsible for making Saturday's such a joy is our very own team manager, Mr Timothy Turnip. I have enormous respect for Mr Parsnip and have great confidence that he will turn things around at the club.Regarding todays match, I would like to say that I am hoping to hear about plenty of goals and I think today will be the day that we see Steve Aquafresh getting his prolific season off the mark.Of course, the twelth man, the crowd is the key once again, so do your part, buy lots of chips and bovril.
Saturday, September 18, 2004
Press Statement
It is with deep regret that Wibble FC have had to part company with manager Timothy Turnip. The news was broken today after the defeat at the hands of Bournville -whom many considered to be lickable. Chairman Alan Van Allen stated that, Of course results are a factor but also there is the fact that Timothy was unable to embrace my new progressive training techniques with the open arms that they deserve. The chairman also stated that Saturday is a good day for sacking a manager, as the club can start searching for a replacement on Sunday morning. He also added, Sunday league has a lot to offer in this area.
Many top managers have already been linked with the job, including Big Rob Harkington, who would only comment, If I get the job, I shall buy loads of black players and see if I can get back on the radio.
Another candidate, David Pratt said a load of idiotic incomprehensible nonsense.
Many top managers have already been linked with the job, including Big Rob Harkington, who would only comment, If I get the job, I shall buy loads of black players and see if I can get back on the radio.
Another candidate, David Pratt said a load of idiotic incomprehensible nonsense.
Friday, September 17, 2004
Cup Tickets
Tickets for the home leg of the D-reg Transit Van Trophy will be on sale from the Spar store, Ecclescake road from 8.30 on Wednesday.
NOTICE: for travelling supporters.
Please note that in order to avoid congestion approaching the kick off of Saturday's game against Sheffield Wednesday, travelling supporters are requested to arrive early in order to facilitate the checking of their ID cards. The club steward, Alf, believes Thursday should be about right.
Announcement
The next meeting of the Wibble FC board will convene on Monday. Minutes will be posted as soon as Mrs Turnip gets them typed up.
Training
The chairman steps out onto the training ground and gathers the players around.
THE CHAIRMAN: Nar then lads. Unfortunately, the manager is very busy today, so I’ll be taking training again.
PLAYER 1: What’s wrong with Mr Turnip now boss?
THE CHAIRMAN: Who?
PLAYER 1: The manager, Mr Turnip.
THE CHAIRMAN: Oh, him. Nowt, he’s just busy again.
Scene flashes back to earlier on in the day. The phone rings in the manager’s office. He picks it up.
THE CHAIRMAN: Nar then thee! Get the sen darn Morrisons, my drinks cabinet is empty again.
THE MANAGER But, sir, training starts in five minutes.
THE CHAIRMAN: Always fooking training them lot. For fooks sake, Parsnip! Are they thick or what?
THE MANAGER But training is an important part of a footballer’s life.
THE CHAIRMAN: Thar noz what? When you train a wippet, you do it once. Once they’ve learned what to do they are up and running. Thar don't have to train them every day.
THE MANAGER But,
THE CHAIRMAN: When you train a pigeon, it takes five minutes, and they are as thick as shite!
THE MANAGER But that’s a bit unfair.
THE CHAIRMAN: Give over soft lad. It’s true, otherwise they wouldn’t be pigeons would they?
THE MANAGER No, I mean that the players do fitness training. It’s not about learning how to play football, it’s about getting fit.
THE CHAIRMAN: Well. There you go then. Perhaps you should train them on how to play football!
Pause.
THE CHAIRMAN: When you get back from the supermarket.
Back on the training ground.
THE CHAIRMAN: Rate! Bend over and touch the toes.
The players lean forward and touch their toes repeatedly. The chairman struggles.
THE CHAIRMAN: What your lot doin? Did I say keep doing it? The once will do, pay attention!
THE CHAIRMAN: Rate, let’s have a little game of five a side then shall we? Foreigners against the rest.
PLAYER 2: Surely, that’s a bit unfair, boss.
THE CHAIRMAN: Of course it is, that’s why we won the fooking war!
PLAYER 2: Nah, I mean, there are only two of them fit enough to play.
THE CHAIRMAN: Fooking rate, I’ve seem em.
Pause
THE CHAIRMAN: Fook it! Just sort yourselves out!
A player tentatively comes forward.
PLAYER 3: Excuse me sir, but do you really know what you are doing?
THE CHAIRMAN: Of course I fooking do! I’ve been training wippets for years.
PLAYER 3: Wippets?
THE CHAIRMAN: Aye, and I’m fooking good at it!
PLAYER 3: But that’s not the same at all.
THE CHAIRMAN: Course they are! They are all stupid and they cost me a fortune.
PLAYER 3: I resent that remark!
THE CHAIRMAN: Have a word with the manager when he gets back then.
PLAYER 3: (Annoyed) I will.
THE CHAIRMAN: Because the transfer list is in his office.
The chairman calls across the field at the players who are putting bibs on.
THE CHAIRMAN: Nar, fook that! Leave the bibs where they are. I have a few progressive training techniques up my sleeve and here is where they start.
Chairman pulls a sack onto the side of the pitch.
THE CHAIRMAN: Rate, I’ve got some nice collers to replace those bibs!
THE CHAIRMAN: And tomorrow I'll be dropping you all off at Millmoor. I'll drag a rabbit out the boot of me car so you can race back.
Disclaimer:All this nonsense is nonsense. There is no truth in the rumour that this is in any way based on a real football club.
© Copyright 2004 Harry Parry
All rights reserved.
No part of this nonsense may be reproduced for profit without written permission from the author.
THE CHAIRMAN: Nar then lads. Unfortunately, the manager is very busy today, so I’ll be taking training again.
PLAYER 1: What’s wrong with Mr Turnip now boss?
THE CHAIRMAN: Who?
PLAYER 1: The manager, Mr Turnip.
THE CHAIRMAN: Oh, him. Nowt, he’s just busy again.
Scene flashes back to earlier on in the day. The phone rings in the manager’s office. He picks it up.
THE CHAIRMAN: Nar then thee! Get the sen darn Morrisons, my drinks cabinet is empty again.
THE MANAGER But, sir, training starts in five minutes.
THE CHAIRMAN: Always fooking training them lot. For fooks sake, Parsnip! Are they thick or what?
THE MANAGER But training is an important part of a footballer’s life.
THE CHAIRMAN: Thar noz what? When you train a wippet, you do it once. Once they’ve learned what to do they are up and running. Thar don't have to train them every day.
THE MANAGER But,
THE CHAIRMAN: When you train a pigeon, it takes five minutes, and they are as thick as shite!
THE MANAGER But that’s a bit unfair.
THE CHAIRMAN: Give over soft lad. It’s true, otherwise they wouldn’t be pigeons would they?
THE MANAGER No, I mean that the players do fitness training. It’s not about learning how to play football, it’s about getting fit.
THE CHAIRMAN: Well. There you go then. Perhaps you should train them on how to play football!
Pause.
THE CHAIRMAN: When you get back from the supermarket.
Back on the training ground.
THE CHAIRMAN: Rate! Bend over and touch the toes.
The players lean forward and touch their toes repeatedly. The chairman struggles.
THE CHAIRMAN: What your lot doin? Did I say keep doing it? The once will do, pay attention!
THE CHAIRMAN: Rate, let’s have a little game of five a side then shall we? Foreigners against the rest.
PLAYER 2: Surely, that’s a bit unfair, boss.
THE CHAIRMAN: Of course it is, that’s why we won the fooking war!
PLAYER 2: Nah, I mean, there are only two of them fit enough to play.
THE CHAIRMAN: Fooking rate, I’ve seem em.
Pause
THE CHAIRMAN: Fook it! Just sort yourselves out!
A player tentatively comes forward.
PLAYER 3: Excuse me sir, but do you really know what you are doing?
THE CHAIRMAN: Of course I fooking do! I’ve been training wippets for years.
PLAYER 3: Wippets?
THE CHAIRMAN: Aye, and I’m fooking good at it!
PLAYER 3: But that’s not the same at all.
THE CHAIRMAN: Course they are! They are all stupid and they cost me a fortune.
PLAYER 3: I resent that remark!
THE CHAIRMAN: Have a word with the manager when he gets back then.
PLAYER 3: (Annoyed) I will.
THE CHAIRMAN: Because the transfer list is in his office.
The chairman calls across the field at the players who are putting bibs on.
THE CHAIRMAN: Nar, fook that! Leave the bibs where they are. I have a few progressive training techniques up my sleeve and here is where they start.
Chairman pulls a sack onto the side of the pitch.
THE CHAIRMAN: Rate, I’ve got some nice collers to replace those bibs!
THE CHAIRMAN: And tomorrow I'll be dropping you all off at Millmoor. I'll drag a rabbit out the boot of me car so you can race back.
Disclaimer:All this nonsense is nonsense. There is no truth in the rumour that this is in any way based on a real football club.
© Copyright 2004 Harry Parry
All rights reserved.
No part of this nonsense may be reproduced for profit without written permission from the author.
The Teamsheet
The phone rings in the manager’s office. He answers it.
THE MANAGER: Hello, Manager’s office, the manager speaking.
THE CHAIRMAN: Get the sen up to my office, boy, I want to discuss the teamsheet for Saturday.
THE MANAGER: What is there to discuss?
THE CHAIRMAN: What is there to discuss, what?
The manager pauses, thinking.
THE MANAGER: What is there to discuss, oh master?
THE CHAIRMAN: That’s better boy, you’re learning! Anyway. Get the sen moving lad!
The manager arrives at the chairman’s office.
RECEPTIONIST: Do you have an appointment, sonny?
THE MANAGER: No, but the chairman just called me and invited me to his office.
RECEPTIONIST: Can I say who is calling?
THE MANAGER: It’s me mother, Timothy, I’m the club manager!
RECEPTIONIST: I’m not sure I care for your tone young man!
The Chairman pops his head around the door.
THE CHAIRMAN: Ah, Parsnip, there you are, get the sen in here!
THE MANAGER: That’ll be Turnip, sir.
THE CHAIRMAN: What thar say boy?
THE MANAGER: I said that my name is Turnip.
THE CHAIRMAN: Your name is Turnip, what?
The manager pauses, thinking.
THE MANAGER: My name is Turnip, oh master!
THE CHAIRMAN: What can I do for the then Parsnip?
THE MANAGER: I don’t know, sir. You asked me to come up here.
The chairman stands and stares.
THE MANAGER: Oh master.
THE CHAIRMAN: Nar then lad, abart this fooking teamsheet.
THE MANAGER: Yes, oh master. What about it?
THE CHAIRMAN: It’s fooking shite! That’s what’s abart it!
THE MANAGER: Unfortunately sir, we have a few injuries at the moment. So, I can’t really field a full strength team.
THE CHAIRMAN: Full strength team? Bollocks! I’m talking about your handwriting. I can’t read a fooking word of it!
THE MANAGER: I’m sorry, oh master, would you like me to write it out again?
THE CHAIRMAN: Nar, fook it! I’ve had one typed up.
The chairman passes a new teamsheet over to the manager.
THE MANAGER: There’s just one minor little problem. These are different players than the ones I picked.
THE CHAIRMAN: Yeah, I know. You picked too many expensive ones. You have to plan for the future, boy. You can’t play all the expensive players. They might get injured, then where would we be?
The manager sits with mouth agape.
THE CHAIRMAN: I want that youngster to play. The one with the funny name.
THE MANAGER: Who Mbongo?
THE CHAIRMAN: Aye, the fooking gollywog!
THE MANAGER: You can’t say that!
THE CHAIRMAN: What?
THE MANAGER: Oh master?
THE CHAIRMAN: Nah, I mean, I can’t say what?
THE MANAGER: Gollywog, you can’t say gollywog!
THE CHAIRMAN: Stop putting words into my mouth, boy! I never said anything of the sort!
THE MANAGER: Pardon me, sir, oh master, but I just don’t think you should be using politically incorrect terms when we are talking about the players, if at all.
THE CHAIRMAN: Listen, boy. I run this club. This is football not politics! Do you know nothing? I didn’t get where I am today with correct politics, I got here by being right all the time. Besides, I’m not rascist, I’ve got loads of friends who know black people.
THE MANAGER: The boy is a really good prospect and a really nice lad. I think that it is disgraceful to talk about him that way!
THE CHAIRMAN: I’ve been called a lot of things in my time, Parsnip, and graceful isn’t one of them. Get him picked, he’s cheap!
The manager looks at the teamsheet.
THE MANAGER: Who is this Norwegian bloke?
THE CHAIRMAN: Never mind, just get him picked!
THE MANAGER: But oh master, we can’t field a player unless he is signed to the club.
THE CHAIRMAN: Of course he is signed. He is our record transfer. £500K he cost his parents to get in here.
THE CHAIRMAN: Anyway, have you had a think about what you are going to say to the press after the game?
THE MANAGER: Not really no, oh master, I thought I’d see how the game went first.
THE CHAIRMAN: You have to plan ahead boy! When will you ever learn?
The chairman pulls a roulette wheel from under his desk, spins it and waits for the ball to drop.
THE CHAIRMAN: Number 8 – fooking great!
The chairman delves into his desk and pulls out a piece of paper.
THE CHAIRMAN: Excuse number 8. Perfect!
THE MANAGER: What is it?
THE CHAIRMAN: The problems with the travelling supporters cards has disrupted the players’ concentration.
The manager sighs.
Disclaimer: All characters are allegedly fictional. Any resemblenace to persons whether real or otherwise is completely coincidental, as well as very sad for the person involved.
© Copyright 2004 Harry Parry
All rights reserved.
No part of this nonsense may be reproduced for profit without written permission from the author.
THE MANAGER: Hello, Manager’s office, the manager speaking.
THE CHAIRMAN: Get the sen up to my office, boy, I want to discuss the teamsheet for Saturday.
THE MANAGER: What is there to discuss?
THE CHAIRMAN: What is there to discuss, what?
The manager pauses, thinking.
THE MANAGER: What is there to discuss, oh master?
THE CHAIRMAN: That’s better boy, you’re learning! Anyway. Get the sen moving lad!
The manager arrives at the chairman’s office.
RECEPTIONIST: Do you have an appointment, sonny?
THE MANAGER: No, but the chairman just called me and invited me to his office.
RECEPTIONIST: Can I say who is calling?
THE MANAGER: It’s me mother, Timothy, I’m the club manager!
RECEPTIONIST: I’m not sure I care for your tone young man!
The Chairman pops his head around the door.
THE CHAIRMAN: Ah, Parsnip, there you are, get the sen in here!
THE MANAGER: That’ll be Turnip, sir.
THE CHAIRMAN: What thar say boy?
THE MANAGER: I said that my name is Turnip.
THE CHAIRMAN: Your name is Turnip, what?
The manager pauses, thinking.
THE MANAGER: My name is Turnip, oh master!
THE CHAIRMAN: What can I do for the then Parsnip?
THE MANAGER: I don’t know, sir. You asked me to come up here.
The chairman stands and stares.
THE MANAGER: Oh master.
THE CHAIRMAN: Nar then lad, abart this fooking teamsheet.
THE MANAGER: Yes, oh master. What about it?
THE CHAIRMAN: It’s fooking shite! That’s what’s abart it!
THE MANAGER: Unfortunately sir, we have a few injuries at the moment. So, I can’t really field a full strength team.
THE CHAIRMAN: Full strength team? Bollocks! I’m talking about your handwriting. I can’t read a fooking word of it!
THE MANAGER: I’m sorry, oh master, would you like me to write it out again?
THE CHAIRMAN: Nar, fook it! I’ve had one typed up.
The chairman passes a new teamsheet over to the manager.
THE MANAGER: There’s just one minor little problem. These are different players than the ones I picked.
THE CHAIRMAN: Yeah, I know. You picked too many expensive ones. You have to plan for the future, boy. You can’t play all the expensive players. They might get injured, then where would we be?
The manager sits with mouth agape.
THE CHAIRMAN: I want that youngster to play. The one with the funny name.
THE MANAGER: Who Mbongo?
THE CHAIRMAN: Aye, the fooking gollywog!
THE MANAGER: You can’t say that!
THE CHAIRMAN: What?
THE MANAGER: Oh master?
THE CHAIRMAN: Nah, I mean, I can’t say what?
THE MANAGER: Gollywog, you can’t say gollywog!
THE CHAIRMAN: Stop putting words into my mouth, boy! I never said anything of the sort!
THE MANAGER: Pardon me, sir, oh master, but I just don’t think you should be using politically incorrect terms when we are talking about the players, if at all.
THE CHAIRMAN: Listen, boy. I run this club. This is football not politics! Do you know nothing? I didn’t get where I am today with correct politics, I got here by being right all the time. Besides, I’m not rascist, I’ve got loads of friends who know black people.
THE MANAGER: The boy is a really good prospect and a really nice lad. I think that it is disgraceful to talk about him that way!
THE CHAIRMAN: I’ve been called a lot of things in my time, Parsnip, and graceful isn’t one of them. Get him picked, he’s cheap!
The manager looks at the teamsheet.
THE MANAGER: Who is this Norwegian bloke?
THE CHAIRMAN: Never mind, just get him picked!
THE MANAGER: But oh master, we can’t field a player unless he is signed to the club.
THE CHAIRMAN: Of course he is signed. He is our record transfer. £500K he cost his parents to get in here.
THE CHAIRMAN: Anyway, have you had a think about what you are going to say to the press after the game?
THE MANAGER: Not really no, oh master, I thought I’d see how the game went first.
THE CHAIRMAN: You have to plan ahead boy! When will you ever learn?
The chairman pulls a roulette wheel from under his desk, spins it and waits for the ball to drop.
THE CHAIRMAN: Number 8 – fooking great!
The chairman delves into his desk and pulls out a piece of paper.
THE CHAIRMAN: Excuse number 8. Perfect!
THE MANAGER: What is it?
THE CHAIRMAN: The problems with the travelling supporters cards has disrupted the players’ concentration.
The manager sighs.
Disclaimer: All characters are allegedly fictional. Any resemblenace to persons whether real or otherwise is completely coincidental, as well as very sad for the person involved.
© Copyright 2004 Harry Parry
All rights reserved.
No part of this nonsense may be reproduced for profit without written permission from the author.
Trouble at the club.
There are troubled times at Wibble FC. The underfire manager is struggling to turn the team's fortunes around on the pitch while the Chairman endevours to halt the club's slide into obscurity.The glory years are behind them forever, unless something can be done.
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